When We Become Anxious About Our Own Emotions
Anxiety can be driven by different parts of our experience.
Sometimes it starts in the mind — worrying about what might happen, imagining different
scenarios or trying to prepare for every possible outcome.
Sometimes it starts in the body — a racing heart, tightness in the chest, dizziness or other
physical sensations that we interpret as signs that something may be wrong.
And sometimes, anxiety is driven by our emotions themselves.
This is particularly interesting because anxiety is not always about something that might happen
in the future. Sometimes the fear is much more present:
“I don’t want to feel this.”
We may be afraid of feeling rejected, disappointed, embarrassed, lonely, angry or overwhelmed.
And when that emotion arrives, the anxiety comes from wanting it to stop — or worrying that we
won’t be able to handle it.
When One Emotion Creates Another
Imagine having a difficult conversation at work. You leave feeling disappointed or hurt.
That is the first emotional response.
But then another conversation begins:
Why did that affect me so much?
Why can’t I just let it go?
I shouldn’t be feeling like this.
What if I feel like this all day?
Now you are not only experiencing the original emotion. You are also becoming anxious,
frustrated or even ashamed because you are having that emotion.
This is a secondary emotional response.
The first emotion may be a completely natural reaction to what happened:
Someone criticises us → we feel hurt.
Something doesn’t go as planned → we feel disappointed.
Someone pulls away → we feel rejected.
But then we begin judging, analysing or trying to escape the feeling:
Hurt → “I’m too sensitive” → resistance → overthinking → anxiety.
Sometimes this second layer becomes more difficult than the original emotion.
What Does Research Tell Us?
An influential meta-analysis by Aldao, Nolen-Hoeksema and Schweizer looked across 114
studies examining how people respond to difficult emotions.
The researchers explored strategies including acceptance, avoidance, problem solving, cognitive
reappraisal, rumination and emotional suppression.
They found that patterns such as rumination, avoidance and suppression were more strongly
associated with anxiety, depression and emotional difficulties, while acceptance and cognitive
reappraisal generally showed healthier relationships with emotional wellbeing.
This doesn’t mean that avoiding an emotion occasionally is unhealthy. Sometimes we simply
don’t have the time or space to process everything immediately.
But when not wanting to feel becomes our automatic response to difficult emotions, we can
unintentionally create another layer of distress.
So, What Can We Do?
1. Find the first emotion
Before trying to change how you feel, ask:
What am I actually feeling underneath the anxiety?
Perhaps it is disappointment. Hurt. Anger. Loneliness. Embarrassment.
Sometimes simply naming the emotion helps us understand what is happening.
2. Notice your reaction to the emotion
Ask yourself:
What am I telling myself about feeling this way?
“I shouldn’t feel this.”
“I’m overreacting.”
“I need to get rid of this.”
This is often where the second layer begins.
3. Allow before trying to fix
Instead of immediately analysing, distracting or suppressing the emotion, try giving it a little
space.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
And acknowledge:
“This is what I’m feeling right now.”
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking the emotion or resigning yourself to it. It simply means not
fighting the fact that it is already here.
4. Ask what the emotion needs from you
Once the intensity settles slightly, ask:
What would actually help me right now?
Perhaps you need a conversation, a boundary, some reassurance, a different perspective — or
simply some time.
Emotional resilience is not about becoming less sensitive or learning not to feel.
It is about becoming more comfortable experiencing emotions without automatically treating
uncomfortable feelings as something dangerous.
Sometimes the question isn’t:
“How do I stop feeling this?”
It is:
“Can I allow myself to feel this without becoming afraid of what I feel?”